Hey, little me.
It’s me, your older self. You might notice things probably look a little different. No, you didn’t fail anyone. You didn’t fall into sin.
You finally found yourself.
When you were 11, you acted on a burning desire to try on your sister’s clothes. “Where did that come from?” you thought. Why did that feel so… right? You were afraid, so you stuffed those feelings down. After all, you were the golden child… you had to be perfect. You had 6 little siblings looking up to you. No, you had to keep this a secret. Nobody was this broken.
And yet you struggled for years, alone. What you figured was just a bad thought ended up being a set of thoughts and feelings you couldn’t shake, no matter what you did.
When you were 8, you were on your grandma’s boat watching the water go by, praying that you could be a girl. You prayed so hard and fervently: surely God would hear you.
One day while walking into the high school auditorium, you thought to yourself, “no one knows what I’m going through. No one can know what I’m going through.” You felt so alone.
Many nights were spent begging God to at least give you lucid dreams as a woman.
You would cry yourself to sleep because you spent another college study session, alone in your room, crossdressing. You thought you were so evil.
When you proposed to your wife, you told her you had weird desires to dress in women’s clothing but you had it under control. You hoped the marriage would be so good you could just leave that part of yourself behind you.
You never told your best friend because you thought he would leave. Your friends already mocked you for seeming gay and effeminate. You couldn’t tell anyone.
Each birthday you swore would be last the year you’d succumb to this sin. Every year you’d feel like a failure as you kept stumbling.
Any time you’d try to bring these feelings up to your pastor, he would go on an angry tirade about trans people and how perverted and predatory they were. You weren’t a predator, so you listened intently, thanking god you weren’t like them.
Any time you’d ask your therapist about your feelings, he’d change the subject, and you were left wondering why you were too broken for even a therapist to fix.
For years you fought against expectations and desires and tried to find who you really were. You’d been told to be so many things. A husband. A father. A godly man. A great leader to the likes of Moses.
But… none of that really settled with you, did it?
The roles you tried to play in your relationships, in your family, in your church… none of them clicked. Something felt off. It was as if a bone was dislodged and no one gave you the tools to set it… no one even seemed to notice or care.
You denied the truth for years… even when browsing magic gender swapping smut, or being envious of those on r/TransTimelines: you kept the truth from… yourself.
Little by little though, the cracks formed, and pressure kept building… until one day your heart was shattered into millions of pieces.
There were no other options left but to accept the reality of who you had been all along, even though that meant possibly losing everyone: your family, your friends, your wife. You couldn’t lie to yourself anymore.
You took the plunge. And you found a life beyond what you ever hoped for. Moriah is still deeply in love with you. You have a whole bunch of new friends who love you. You live close to the coolest family members. And while things aren’t perfect, everything feels right. You’ve finally made it to the starting line and can focus on growing and blossoming into the girl you were meant to be.
So, to all the past ‘me’s:
- the scared 11 year old who thought she fell into sin,
- the lonely teenager who wished she could just be normal
- the lost young adult who tried so damn hard to fix herself by diving into God and the bible,
- the newlywed who was about to start the adventure of a lifetime with her companion,
- the traveler leaving everything she knew to find something bigger,
- the shattered heart who saw her life crumble before her very eyes;
To the person who didn’t know she was crossdressing as a man…
…and to the sad, scared, lonely little girl who never got to grow up, hiding under layers of expectations, religion, and fear:
You sweet, beautiful soul. You are so very cherished and loved. You don’t have to hide anymore. You don’t have to be afraid. You have people around you who love you– for who you are.
I’m so sorry for all those who hurt you. I’m sorry I hid you away. I’m sorry it took me so long to find you. But now you are found.
We have a lot to catch up on and I wanna help you grow up.
Be free.
Go explore.
And live.
Love,
Yours truly,
Felicity ❤️
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